testing....1, 2, 3

im still alive over here.
at least i think so...

just...them

ive always been that person people go to for advice and help. i love it, i strive to help people. i want to help them. but there are those people who just drains me...leave me an empty shell without energy or strength.

i cant handle it.

ive tried to help these people in the past, i have done the best i possibly can. i loose sleep worrying about them, cant break the connection for fear of what theyll do or how theyll feel, and use all i have in an attempt to save them. i worry about them. only them. and i get paid back from them by being sucked dry.

my attempts never seem to work though. it always ends in tears and teeth knashing. but seriously, ive learned that there are some people outside my reach, and ive tried my best to help them. its hard for me to understand that its best for me to disconnect myself from them. it really is the best sometimes.they just suck me in though, into their problems. until im struggling to get out, hardly knowing what to do or how to escape.

i did my best last night, but i feel like i made it worse. its been troubling me all night and morning. i shouldve learned from before that i should stay away from you, at least fairly distant and not make anything personal. but guess what? i cant handle it anymore. your dramatics and your stupid voice screaming for help, that it seems like no one but me hears.

im done.
too bad, thats a lie, and now im in it for the long run, until a climatic end reaches us as last time. it didnt have to be so, but you complicated it as usual. i know deep inside me (and as my puppy tells me) that i need to leave you for now...youre not my responsibility.

and thats that.

Inspired by the Ice Covered Trees

Walking along the white path
my subjects all bowed
leaning
reaching
towards me
in reference
as i pass

theyre so beautiful
coated in glass that sparkles in the sun

what kind of ruler am i
to watch my people
splinter, snap, and break
limbs strewn about the earth
arching further, almost falling
their respects being paid, to me
their highest

i dont want to be that cruel person
who watches with a smile as they
kneel to me, in pain and suffering
dispair fills me at the beautiful sight
but i have no way of stopping it
the beauty of this recieved power
but then the suffering
that i, alone, am responsible for



seriously, that has no importance or meaning, whatsoever

SNOW ALREADY!

isnt snow unique? there is hardly one snowflake identical to the another. its frozen artwork from above. tiny masterpieces, so intricatly constructed that you couldnt possibly make a duplicate of its beauty. delecate, elegant, gorgeous and original.


the only problem is, no one seems to look deep enough, hard enough, to see this beauty. it eventually melts away, into a boring molecule of hyrogen and oxygen. (stupid chem). ill admit, it took me a long time before i looked closely at a single snowflake that had fallen onto sabriel to notice. why dont we look a bit deeper? some of the simplest things present such freshness and beauty to the world, and we miss it.


maybe its because when snow falls, all those tiny individual flakes join together, to make up a huge white solid. they all blend together; the millions of pieces indistinguishable fom one another. how sad. i sorta feel as if its like society, in a sense? maybe, to be more specific, just...life. everyone just blends together, to make a mass of bustling, breathing life. in the long run, no one sticks out or is remembered. we all morph together to become a whole, boring, race. there are so many beautiful, unique people out there and they will just blend in with the rest of the plastic maniquens out there.


it bothers me.
nonetheless, i want it to snow. NOW!


toodles

~anna~

anticipation anxiety

the unknown completely unravels me sometimes. so does anticipation about the future. i always have to plan ahead, and i hate that about myself. i wish i could just take things in stride as they come. Most of these plans i make are trivial, unrealistic, or just dont work out anyways.

Thinking about things like my mother's surgery make my head feel like its going to explode (especially when im thinking about it while i have a sinus infection...). A knot twists in my stomache and my head pounds. How could something in the future have such an effect on me? Its so stupid, i hate being so vulnerable.

I guess this makes me a power/control freak though too. All of that unknown drives me crazy. Things that i cant have control over, the feeling that i dont know whats going to happen. I mean, i feel like a victim to whatever is going to happpen, whatever the universe wants. I hate that helpless feeling. i makes me physically sick sometimes...

i think i just need to suck it up and deal. im probably thinking too hard about something that shouldnt be.

toodles
♥
anna

the beginning.

after years of being told to create a blog by caity and nick, i finally did (er, well...nick did).


anyways! i have no idea what im supposed to write here, i guess i find blogging kind of awkward. im hoping its just a matter of getting used to. we'll see...

~anna~